:: March 29, 2006 ::

My uncle Dave
I just got news that my uncle committed suicide the other day. I thought I'd write a few things to try and figure out what all this means to me.

First off, he seemed to have everything. He and his wife were always the wealthy ones of the family. He owned a ferarri, was building a fighter plane, had a huge house in Florida, and lived a comfortable life. Growing up, my family would always go down for Christmas and visit them. I caught my first fish in his lagoon behind his house. I never saw that he was depressed or that anything was wrong.

He had just divorced his wife and was going to marry a new woman when this all happened. I find out now that he'd been taking medication all his life and this was an ongoing struggle.

I always thought that being rich and having cool stuff would make me happy, but it didn't work for Dave. I'm happy in what I do, where I'm at, but I can't see it being so bad that death looks like a good option. My ex-girlfriend had depression and I couldn't relate to her problems either. I don't know that I want to understand it any better, but I absolutely do know that I don't want anyone else I love to kill themselves.

I am sad, but I will remember my uncle in a good light, and I hope to keep living the way I like without having to carry this burden of sadness with me as well.


.: Ben Hansen :: 8:38 PM [+] 0 comments
.: Email : :: Current Location : Breckenridge, Colorado :.





.AFOOT.and.light-hearted,.I.take.to.the.open.road,.Healthy,.free,.the.world.before.me,.The.long.brown.path.before.me,.le
ading.wherever.I.choose....Henceforth.I.ask.not.good-fortune-I.myself.am.good.fortune;.Henceforth.I.whimper.no.more,.pos
tpone.no.more,.need.nothing,..........Strong.and.content,.I.travel.the.open.road....The.earth-that.is.sufficient;.I.do.n
ot.want.the.constellations.any.nearer;.I.know.they.are.very.well.where.they.are;.I.know.they.suffice.for.those.who.belon
g.to.them.......Still.here.I.carry.my.old.delicious.burdens;.I.carry.them,.men.and.women-I.carry.them.with.me.wherever.I
.go;.I.swear.it.is.impossible.for.me.to.get.rid.of.them;.I.am.fill'd.with.them,.and.I.will.fill.them.in.return.)....You.
road.I.enter.upon.and.look.around!.I.believe.you.are.not.all.that.is.here;....I.believe.that.much.unseen.is.also.here...
.Here.the.profound.lesson.of.reception,.neither.preference.or.denial;.The.black.with.his.woolly.head,.the.felon,.the.dis
eas'd,.the.illiterate.person,.are.not.denied;.The.birth,.the.hasting.after.the.physician,.the.beggar's.tramp,.the.drunka
rd's.stagger,.the.laughing.party.of.mechanics,.The.escaped.youth,.the.rich.person's.carriage,.the.fop,.the.eloping.coupl
e,....The.early.market-man,.the.hearse,.the.moving.of.furniture.into.the.town,.the.return.back.from.the.town,.They.pass-
I.also.pass-anything.passes-none.can.be.interdicted;.None.but.are.accepted-none.but.are.dear.to.me..You.air.that.serves.
me.with.breath.to.speak!.You.objects.that.call.from.diffusion.my.meanings,.and.give.them.shape!....You.light.that.wraps.
me.and.all.things.in.delicate.equable.showers!.You.paths.worn.in.the.irregular.hollows.by.the.roadsides!.I.think.you.are
.latent.with.unseen.existences-you.are.so.dear.to.me....You.flagg'd.walks.of.the.cities!.you.strong.curbs.at.the.edges!.
You.ferries!.you.planks.and.posts.of.wharves!.you.timber-lined.sides!.you.distant.ships!....You.rows.of.houses!.you.wind
ow-pierc'd.façades!.you.roofs!.You.porches.and.entrances!.you.copings.and.iron.guards!.You.windows.whose.transparent.she
lls.might.expose.so.much!.You.doors.and.ascending.steps!.you.arches!.You.gray.stones.of.interminable.pavements!.you.trod
den.crossings!....From.all.that.has.been.near.you,.I.believe.you.have.imparted.to.yourselves,.and.now.would.impart.the.s
ame.secretly.to.me;From.the.living.and.the.dead.I.think.you.have.peopled.your.impassive.surfaces,.and.the.spirits.thereo
f.would.be.evident.and.amicable.with.me.....The.earth.expanding.right.hand.and.left.hand,.The.picture.alive,.every.part.
in.its.best.light,.The.music.falling.in.where.it.is.wanted,.and.stopping.where.it.is.not.wanted,....The.cheerful.voice.o
f.the.public.road-the.gay.fresh.sentiment.of.the.road....O.highway.I.travel!.O.public.road!.do.you.say.to.me,.Do.not.lea
ve.me?.Do.you.say,.Venture.not?.If.you.leave.me,.you.are.lostDo.you.say,.I.am.already.prepared-I.am.well-beaten.and.unde
nied-adhere.to.me?.O.public.road!.I.say.back,.I.am.not.afraid.to.leave.you-yet.I.love.you;....You.express.me.better.than
.I.can.express.myself;.You.shall.be.more.to.me.than.my.poem....I.think.heroic.deeds.were.all.conceiv'd.in.the.open.air,.
and.all.great.poems.also;.I.think.I.could.stop.here.myself,.and.do.miracles;.My.judgments,.thoughts,.I.henceforth.try.by
.the.open.air,.the.road;)....I.think.whatever.I.shall.meet.on.the.road.I.shall.like,.and.whoever.beholds.me.shall.like.m
e;.I.think.whoever.I.see.must.be.happy.....From.this.hour,.freedom!.From.this.hour.I.ordain.myself.loos'd.of.limits.and.
imaginary.lines,.Going.where.I.list,.my.own.master,.total.and.absolute,....Listening.to.others,.and.considering.well.wha
t.they.say,.Pausing,.searching,.receiving,.contemplating,.Gently,.but.with.undeniable.will,.divesting.myself.of.the.hold
s.that.would.hold.me....I.inhale.great.draughts.of.space;.The.east.and.the.west.are.mine,.and.the.north.and.the.south.ar
e.mine.......I.am.larger,.better.than.I.thought;.I.did.not.know.I.held.so.much.goodness....All.seems.beautiful.to.me;.I.
can.repeat.over.to.men.and.women,.You.have.done.such.good.to.me,.I.would.do.the.same.to.you....I.will.recruit.for.myself
.and.you.as.I.go;....I.will.scatter.myself.among.men.and.women.as.I.go;.I.will.toss.the.new.gladness.and.roughness.among
.them;.Whoever.denies.me,.it.shall.not.trouble.me;.Whoever.accepts.me,.he.or.she.shall.be.blessed,.and.shall.bless.me...
..Now.if.a.thousand.perfect.men.were.to.appear,.it.would.not.amaze.me;....Now.if.a.thousand.beautiful.forms.of.women.app
ear'd,.it.would.not.astonish.me....Now.I.see.the.secret.of.the.making.of.the.best.persons,.It.is.to.grow.in.the.open.air
,.and.to.eat.and.sleep.with.the.earth....Here.a.great.personal.deed.has.room;.A.great.deed.seizes.upon.the.hearts.of.the
.whole.race.of.men,....Its.effusion.of.strength.and.will.overwhelms.law,.and.mocks.all.authority.and.all.argument.agains
t.it....Here.is.the.test.of.wisdom;.Wisdom.is.not.finally.tested.in.schools;.Wisdom.cannot.be.pass'd.from.one.having.it,
.to.another.not.having.it;.Wisdom.is.of.the.Soul,.is.not.susceptible.of.proof,.is.its.own.proof,....Applies.to.all.stage
s.and.objects.and.qualities,.and.is.content,.Is.the.certainty.of.the.reality.and.immortality.of.things,.and.the.excellen
ce.of.things;.Something.there.is.in.the.float.of.the.sight.of.things.that.provokes.it.out.of.the.Soul...Now.I.reëxamine.
philosophies.and.religions,They.may.prove.well.in.lecture-rooms,.yet.not.prove.at.all.under.the.spacious.clouds,.and.alo
ng.the.landscape.and.flowing.currents.......Here.is.realization;.Here.is.a.man.tallied-he.realizes.here.what.he.has.in.h
im;.The.past,.the.future,.majesty,.love-if.they.are.vacant.of.you,.you.are.vacant.of.them....Only.the.kernel.of.every.ob
ject.nourishes;.Where.is.he.who.tears.off.the.husks.for.you.and.me?....Where.is.he.that.undoes.stratagems.and.envelopes.
for.you.and.me?...Here.is.adhesiveness-it.is.not.previously.fashion'd-it.is.apropos;.Do.you.know.what.it.is,.as.you.pass
,.to.be.loved.by.strangers?.Do.you.know.the.talk.of.those.turning.eye-balls?....Here.is.the.efflux.of.the.Soul;....The.e
fflux.of.the.Soul.comes.from.within,.through.embower'd.gates,.ever.provoking.questions:.These.yearnings,.why.are.they?.T
hese.thoughts.in.the.darkness,.why.are.they?.Why.are.there.men.and.women.that.while.they.are.nigh.me,.the.sun-light.expa
nds.my.blood?.Why,.when.they.leave.me,.do.my.pennants.of.joy.sink.flat.and.lank?.Why.are.there.trees.I.never.walk.under,
.but.large.and.melodious.thoughts.descend.upon.me?....I.think.they.hang.there.winter.and.summer.on.those.trees,.and.alwa
ys.drop.fruit.as.I.pass;).What.is.it.I.interchange.so.suddenly.with.strangers?.What.with.some.driver,.as.I.ride.on.the.s
eat.by.his.side?.What.with.some.fisherman,.drawing.his.seine.by.the.shore,.as.I.walk.by,.and.pause?.What.gives.me.to.be.
free.to.a.woman's.or.man's.good-will?.What.gives.them.to.be.free.to.mine?.......The.efflux.of.the.Soul.is.happiness-here
.is.happiness;.I.think.it.pervades.the.open.air,.waiting.at.all.times;.Now.it.flows.unto.us-we.are.rightly.charged....He
re.rises.the.fluid.and.attaching.character;.The.fluid.and.attaching.character.is.the.freshness.and.sweetness.of.man.and.
woman;....The.herbs.of.the.morning.sprout.no.fresher.and.sweeter.every.day.out.of.the.roots.of.themselves,.than.it.sprou
ts.fresh.and.sweet.continually.out.of.itself.)...Toward.the.fluid.and.attaching.character.exudes.the.sweat.of.the.love.o

f.young.and.old;.From.it.falls.distill'd.the.charm.that.mocks.beauty.and.attainments;.Toward.it.heaves.the.shuddering.lo
nging.ache.of.contact.....Allons!.whoever.you.are,.come.travel.with.me!....Traveling.with.me,.you.find.what.never.tires.
...The.earth.never.tires;.The.earth.is.rude,.silent,.incomprehensible.at.first-Nature.is.rude.and.incomprehensible.at.fi
rst;.Be.not.discouraged-keep.on-there.are.divine.things,.well.envelop'd;.I.swear.to.you.there.are.divine.things.more.bea
utiful.than.words.can.tell.......Allons!.we.must.not.stop.here!.However.sweet.these.laid-up.stores-however.convenient.th
is.dwelling,.we.cannot.remain.here;.However.shelter'd.this.port,.and.however.calm.these.waters,.we.must.not.anchor.here;
.However.welcome.the.hospitality.that.surrounds.us,.we.are.permitted.to.receive.it.but.a.little.while......Allons!.the.i
nducements.shall.be.greater;....We.will.sail.pathless.and.wild.seas;.We.will.go.where.winds.blow,.waves.dash,.and.the.Ya
nkee.clipper.speeds.by.under.full.sail....Allons!.with.power,.liberty,.the.earth,.the.elements!.Health,.defiance,.gayety
,.self-esteem,.curiosity;.Allons!.from.all.formules!....From.your.formules,.O.bat-eyed.and.materialistic.priests!...The.
stale.cadaver.blocks.up.the.passage-the.burial.waits.no.longer....Allons!.yet.take.warning!.He.traveling.with.me.needs.t
he.best.blood,.thews,.endurance;.None.may.come.to.the.trial,.till.he.or.she.bring.courage.and.health.......Come.not.here
.if.you.have.already.spent.the.best.of.yourself;.Only.those.may.come,.who.come.in.sweet.and.determin'd.bodies;.No.diseas
'd.person-no.rum-drinker.or.venereal.taint.is.permitted.here....I.and.mine.do.not.convince.by.arguments,.similes,.rhymes
;.We.convince.by.our.presence.........Listen!.I.will.be.honest.with.you;.I.do.not.offer.the.old.smooth.prizes,.but.offer
.rough.new.prizes;.These.are.the.days.that.must.happen.to.you:...You.shall.not.heap.up.what.is.call'd.riches,.You.shall.
scatter.with.lavish.hand.all.that.you.earn.or.achieve,....You.but.arrive.at.the.city.to.which.you.were.destin'd-you.hard
ly.settle.yourself.to.satisfaction,.before.you.are.call'd.by.an.irresistible.call.to.depart,.You.shall.be.treated.to.the
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