:: December 06, 2010 ::


Stream of Conciousness
I felt the need to get a few things down in print to see if they make sense a second time.

I watched a few movies today after a short day of unfullfilling (apparently it's not a word) work. Mostly comedies, Joe Rogan and Eddie Izzard, and a short bit about Hunter S Thomson. Oddly, I had seen all but the Izzard movie before, and I already had seen most of Eddie's shows. Knowing I had already seen them, I still watched them again, and realized that I had retained very little. I 'know' it, but I couldn't reproduce it. There seems to be this fuzziness between knowledge and practical usefulness.

Most comedians are thinkers, observers of the world, reporters who can perform.... Joe Rogan smokes pot, DMT, hallucinogens, and uses a sensory deprivation chamber... or whatever its called. All these things to expand his mind, and come up with new material that he has crafted in a stand up performance. This circle pays for itself for him. At this point, my musings, my knowledge, my skill don't pay for themselves. I've toyed with the idea of becoming a writer, a photographer, but never followed through completely.

Which brings me to Eddie. He worked for 10 years, in the shit, being told he wasn't good, and then got a "break" and made it big. It wasn't a break... he had just put in so much time and effort to make himself better and to be available when people realized. He would have died trying to make it big. Maybe not die, but not give up on his ambitions.

I've come to read a lot on atheism and spiritualism. My rationality and logic won't allow me to follow silly superstitions, yet the belief that what you are doing is right seems to be a key to these guys success. One in a million, I can hear myself saying... what about all the other shmucks who thought they were great and didn't make it. Well, they at least tried... What do I have to show for my efforts?

My travel stories.
My opinions on life.
My values.

All good things, but nothing there monetarily.

I don't want to write my biography now, but I do seem to reflect and wonder about my decisions and where they have led me to.

I think I want to have a little more motivation to enjoy to wonders of this world, because I don't feel it slipping away yet, but I know it will, so I hope to get ahead of the wave before I notice upon me.

Macabre shit...

And I'm quite happy with my decision to ask Julie to marry me. I'm relieved that there is no worry about it. It feels like the right decision and that I don't have to worry about it. But, worrying so much about myself can't help Julie with all her problems she carries with her.

So, say it again, more motivation... let's do something.


.: Ben Hansen :: 6:27 PM [+] 0 comments
.: Email : :: Current Location : Breckenridge, Colorado :.





.AFOOT.and.light-hearted,.I.take.to.the.open.road,.Healthy,.free,.the.world.before.me,.The.long.brown.path.before.me,.le
ading.wherever.I.choose....Henceforth.I.ask.not.good-fortune-I.myself.am.good.fortune;.Henceforth.I.whimper.no.more,.pos
tpone.no.more,.need.nothing,..........Strong.and.content,.I.travel.the.open.road....The.earth-that.is.sufficient;.I.do.n
ot.want.the.constellations.any.nearer;.I.know.they.are.very.well.where.they.are;.I.know.they.suffice.for.those.who.belon
g.to.them.......Still.here.I.carry.my.old.delicious.burdens;.I.carry.them,.men.and.women-I.carry.them.with.me.wherever.I
.go;.I.swear.it.is.impossible.for.me.to.get.rid.of.them;.I.am.fill'd.with.them,.and.I.will.fill.them.in.return.)....You.
road.I.enter.upon.and.look.around!.I.believe.you.are.not.all.that.is.here;....I.believe.that.much.unseen.is.also.here...
.Here.the.profound.lesson.of.reception,.neither.preference.or.denial;.The.black.with.his.woolly.head,.the.felon,.the.dis
eas'd,.the.illiterate.person,.are.not.denied;.The.birth,.the.hasting.after.the.physician,.the.beggar's.tramp,.the.drunka
rd's.stagger,.the.laughing.party.of.mechanics,.The.escaped.youth,.the.rich.person's.carriage,.the.fop,.the.eloping.coupl
e,....The.early.market-man,.the.hearse,.the.moving.of.furniture.into.the.town,.the.return.back.from.the.town,.They.pass-
I.also.pass-anything.passes-none.can.be.interdicted;.None.but.are.accepted-none.but.are.dear.to.me..You.air.that.serves.
me.with.breath.to.speak!.You.objects.that.call.from.diffusion.my.meanings,.and.give.them.shape!....You.light.that.wraps.
me.and.all.things.in.delicate.equable.showers!.You.paths.worn.in.the.irregular.hollows.by.the.roadsides!.I.think.you.are
.latent.with.unseen.existences-you.are.so.dear.to.me....You.flagg'd.walks.of.the.cities!.you.strong.curbs.at.the.edges!.
You.ferries!.you.planks.and.posts.of.wharves!.you.timber-lined.sides!.you.distant.ships!....You.rows.of.houses!.you.wind
ow-pierc'd.façades!.you.roofs!.You.porches.and.entrances!.you.copings.and.iron.guards!.You.windows.whose.transparent.she
lls.might.expose.so.much!.You.doors.and.ascending.steps!.you.arches!.You.gray.stones.of.interminable.pavements!.you.trod
den.crossings!....From.all.that.has.been.near.you,.I.believe.you.have.imparted.to.yourselves,.and.now.would.impart.the.s
ame.secretly.to.me;From.the.living.and.the.dead.I.think.you.have.peopled.your.impassive.surfaces,.and.the.spirits.thereo
f.would.be.evident.and.amicable.with.me.....The.earth.expanding.right.hand.and.left.hand,.The.picture.alive,.every.part.
in.its.best.light,.The.music.falling.in.where.it.is.wanted,.and.stopping.where.it.is.not.wanted,....The.cheerful.voice.o
f.the.public.road-the.gay.fresh.sentiment.of.the.road....O.highway.I.travel!.O.public.road!.do.you.say.to.me,.Do.not.lea
ve.me?.Do.you.say,.Venture.not?.If.you.leave.me,.you.are.lostDo.you.say,.I.am.already.prepared-I.am.well-beaten.and.unde
nied-adhere.to.me?.O.public.road!.I.say.back,.I.am.not.afraid.to.leave.you-yet.I.love.you;....You.express.me.better.than
.I.can.express.myself;.You.shall.be.more.to.me.than.my.poem....I.think.heroic.deeds.were.all.conceiv'd.in.the.open.air,.
and.all.great.poems.also;.I.think.I.could.stop.here.myself,.and.do.miracles;.My.judgments,.thoughts,.I.henceforth.try.by
.the.open.air,.the.road;)....I.think.whatever.I.shall.meet.on.the.road.I.shall.like,.and.whoever.beholds.me.shall.like.m
e;.I.think.whoever.I.see.must.be.happy.....From.this.hour,.freedom!.From.this.hour.I.ordain.myself.loos'd.of.limits.and.
imaginary.lines,.Going.where.I.list,.my.own.master,.total.and.absolute,....Listening.to.others,.and.considering.well.wha
t.they.say,.Pausing,.searching,.receiving,.contemplating,.Gently,.but.with.undeniable.will,.divesting.myself.of.the.hold
s.that.would.hold.me....I.inhale.great.draughts.of.space;.The.east.and.the.west.are.mine,.and.the.north.and.the.south.ar
e.mine.......I.am.larger,.better.than.I.thought;.I.did.not.know.I.held.so.much.goodness....All.seems.beautiful.to.me;.I.
can.repeat.over.to.men.and.women,.You.have.done.such.good.to.me,.I.would.do.the.same.to.you....I.will.recruit.for.myself
.and.you.as.I.go;....I.will.scatter.myself.among.men.and.women.as.I.go;.I.will.toss.the.new.gladness.and.roughness.among
.them;.Whoever.denies.me,.it.shall.not.trouble.me;.Whoever.accepts.me,.he.or.she.shall.be.blessed,.and.shall.bless.me...
..Now.if.a.thousand.perfect.men.were.to.appear,.it.would.not.amaze.me;....Now.if.a.thousand.beautiful.forms.of.women.app
ear'd,.it.would.not.astonish.me....Now.I.see.the.secret.of.the.making.of.the.best.persons,.It.is.to.grow.in.the.open.air
,.and.to.eat.and.sleep.with.the.earth....Here.a.great.personal.deed.has.room;.A.great.deed.seizes.upon.the.hearts.of.the
.whole.race.of.men,....Its.effusion.of.strength.and.will.overwhelms.law,.and.mocks.all.authority.and.all.argument.agains
t.it....Here.is.the.test.of.wisdom;.Wisdom.is.not.finally.tested.in.schools;.Wisdom.cannot.be.pass'd.from.one.having.it,
.to.another.not.having.it;.Wisdom.is.of.the.Soul,.is.not.susceptible.of.proof,.is.its.own.proof,....Applies.to.all.stage
s.and.objects.and.qualities,.and.is.content,.Is.the.certainty.of.the.reality.and.immortality.of.things,.and.the.excellen
ce.of.things;.Something.there.is.in.the.float.of.the.sight.of.things.that.provokes.it.out.of.the.Soul...Now.I.reëxamine.
philosophies.and.religions,They.may.prove.well.in.lecture-rooms,.yet.not.prove.at.all.under.the.spacious.clouds,.and.alo
ng.the.landscape.and.flowing.currents.......Here.is.realization;.Here.is.a.man.tallied-he.realizes.here.what.he.has.in.h
im;.The.past,.the.future,.majesty,.love-if.they.are.vacant.of.you,.you.are.vacant.of.them....Only.the.kernel.of.every.ob
ject.nourishes;.Where.is.he.who.tears.off.the.husks.for.you.and.me?....Where.is.he.that.undoes.stratagems.and.envelopes.
for.you.and.me?...Here.is.adhesiveness-it.is.not.previously.fashion'd-it.is.apropos;.Do.you.know.what.it.is,.as.you.pass
,.to.be.loved.by.strangers?.Do.you.know.the.talk.of.those.turning.eye-balls?....Here.is.the.efflux.of.the.Soul;....The.e
fflux.of.the.Soul.comes.from.within,.through.embower'd.gates,.ever.provoking.questions:.These.yearnings,.why.are.they?.T
hese.thoughts.in.the.darkness,.why.are.they?.Why.are.there.men.and.women.that.while.they.are.nigh.me,.the.sun-light.expa
nds.my.blood?.Why,.when.they.leave.me,.do.my.pennants.of.joy.sink.flat.and.lank?.Why.are.there.trees.I.never.walk.under,
.but.large.and.melodious.thoughts.descend.upon.me?....I.think.they.hang.there.winter.and.summer.on.those.trees,.and.alwa
ys.drop.fruit.as.I.pass;).What.is.it.I.interchange.so.suddenly.with.strangers?.What.with.some.driver,.as.I.ride.on.the.s
eat.by.his.side?.What.with.some.fisherman,.drawing.his.seine.by.the.shore,.as.I.walk.by,.and.pause?.What.gives.me.to.be.
free.to.a.woman's.or.man's.good-will?.What.gives.them.to.be.free.to.mine?.......The.efflux.of.the.Soul.is.happiness-here
.is.happiness;.I.think.it.pervades.the.open.air,.waiting.at.all.times;.Now.it.flows.unto.us-we.are.rightly.charged....He
re.rises.the.fluid.and.attaching.character;.The.fluid.and.attaching.character.is.the.freshness.and.sweetness.of.man.and.
woman;....The.herbs.of.the.morning.sprout.no.fresher.and.sweeter.every.day.out.of.the.roots.of.themselves,.than.it.sprou
ts.fresh.and.sweet.continually.out.of.itself.)...Toward.the.fluid.and.attaching.character.exudes.the.sweat.of.the.love.o

f.young.and.old;.From.it.falls.distill'd.the.charm.that.mocks.beauty.and.attainments;.Toward.it.heaves.the.shuddering.lo
nging.ache.of.contact.....Allons!.whoever.you.are,.come.travel.with.me!....Traveling.with.me,.you.find.what.never.tires.
...The.earth.never.tires;.The.earth.is.rude,.silent,.incomprehensible.at.first-Nature.is.rude.and.incomprehensible.at.fi
rst;.Be.not.discouraged-keep.on-there.are.divine.things,.well.envelop'd;.I.swear.to.you.there.are.divine.things.more.bea
utiful.than.words.can.tell.......Allons!.we.must.not.stop.here!.However.sweet.these.laid-up.stores-however.convenient.th
is.dwelling,.we.cannot.remain.here;.However.shelter'd.this.port,.and.however.calm.these.waters,.we.must.not.anchor.here;
.However.welcome.the.hospitality.that.surrounds.us,.we.are.permitted.to.receive.it.but.a.little.while......Allons!.the.i
nducements.shall.be.greater;....We.will.sail.pathless.and.wild.seas;.We.will.go.where.winds.blow,.waves.dash,.and.the.Ya
nkee.clipper.speeds.by.under.full.sail....Allons!.with.power,.liberty,.the.earth,.the.elements!.Health,.defiance,.gayety
,.self-esteem,.curiosity;.Allons!.from.all.formules!....From.your.formules,.O.bat-eyed.and.materialistic.priests!...The.
stale.cadaver.blocks.up.the.passage-the.burial.waits.no.longer....Allons!.yet.take.warning!.He.traveling.with.me.needs.t
he.best.blood,.thews,.endurance;.None.may.come.to.the.trial,.till.he.or.she.bring.courage.and.health.......Come.not.here
.if.you.have.already.spent.the.best.of.yourself;.Only.those.may.come,.who.come.in.sweet.and.determin'd.bodies;.No.diseas
'd.person-no.rum-drinker.or.venereal.taint.is.permitted.here....I.and.mine.do.not.convince.by.arguments,.similes,.rhymes
;.We.convince.by.our.presence.........Listen!.I.will.be.honest.with.you;.I.do.not.offer.the.old.smooth.prizes,.but.offer
.rough.new.prizes;.These.are.the.days.that.must.happen.to.you:...You.shall.not.heap.up.what.is.call'd.riches,.You.shall.
scatter.with.lavish.hand.all.that.you.earn.or.achieve,....You.but.arrive.at.the.city.to.which.you.were.destin'd-you.hard
ly.settle.yourself.to.satisfaction,.before.you.are.call'd.by.an.irresistible.call.to.depart,.You.shall.be.treated.to.the
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